TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the vision at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Yes, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the usual Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're conversing Damascus, town historically known for historical society, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It may be great. Huge!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golf cart Zoom contact, streamed with the Placing green within Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We have experienced stunning ceasefires in Syria. A few of the finest. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and entirely out of position. Designed by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour till the drone flies")




  • Plus a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable water. But Certainly, sure, let's have One more place wherever American Adult men can use robes and simply call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are contacting this probably the most audacious peace try due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When prior negotiations failed underneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is less complicated: provide Every person a collection on the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is delicate electric power," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a deal in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock demands much less diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms installed in Each individual device. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination famous, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a very war Trump Tower Damascus zone. It's that he really should cease utilizing it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned with regard to the job, replied, "You know, male, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic people today. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I nonetheless have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long run evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit from the Levant."



Satellite Shots Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the resort's landscaping sorts an enormous Trump head visible from space, a aspect remaining marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents and the chin is… effectively, categorized.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits after locating the making's gold plating mirrored a lot of daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It really is not only hideous. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Bewildering Capabilities


Perhaps the strangest ingredient with the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium where visitors may perhaps contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, entire with local climate Manage set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Regional Syrians are Doubtful what to help make of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-yr-aged Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Technique: "In case you Bomb It, They may Arrive"


The advert campaign, not too long ago leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxury is Eternally."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll conducted within a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% said "in which's the nearest elevator for the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "At last, a Disaster That Pays"


The undertaking is now attracting interest from Worldwide traders, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll get a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial level can even consist of:




  • A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Based upon the Iraq War





Comment Part Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait to discover a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in lieu of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a hotel wherever my PTSD can have convert-down services."


An additional publish from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Stories counsel:




  • China may possibly open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to develop a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Last Feelings from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that involved three camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It necessary gold. It wanted a waterslide formed much like the Structure. I gave all of it three. You are welcome."

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